Big News, Apparently!

A large bald man in a toga with an especially large head came into contact with me mere moments ago. Apparently, my actions are going to have grave consequences upon the cosmos at some point.

I'm not sure if I should be proud of this, or utterly terrified.

Well...

It's been a pretty crazy... six months. Has it really been that long? For a little while, I tooled around what some experts call "the 616 universe" with my then-wife, Maria Lopez, in my souped-up RV. I did the team-up thing with Ghost Rider, met a nice fellow named Razorback, and even fought that Doctor Doom fellow. It was a busy several months, but some time in September things started going badly. First, a vicious alien creature called a Dire Wraith abducted Maria and I have not seen her since. The fine folks at SHIELD knew about these creatures, and souped-up my RV even more so I could go off into space and try and find them in order to rescue Maria. Boy, was that a mistake!

The first that happened out in space was my meeting a fellow named ROM, the Spaceknight. He was a nice enough guy, even though he was some sort of cyborg. As it turns out, the creature that abducted my Maria was a rogue Dire Wraith and... well... to put a pleasant edge on things, Maria won't be wanting for company any time soon. She won't be wanting for anything, really. Naturally, this news hit me kind of hard and I was tempted to do the "grim and gritty" thing that's so popular these days. I persevered, though, and remained my normal happy-go-lucky self. Also, in space!

So I've been wandering around space for the past month or so, trying my best to stay clear of this "annihilation" thing everyone seems so up in arms about. I'm sure it's big and important in its own way, but I need to find a way to be the Land Captain... in space. I certainly couldn't be the Space Captain, as that would just be silly. I'll keep you posted, folks!

I'm Back!

There was a bit of a snafu and I wound up stuck in space for about a month and a half. Don't let all those science fiction movies fool you: space is pretty dull. I kept hoping I would meet that Silver Surfer fellow, or maybe Ego the Living Planet, but I just sort of sat there in my pod waiting for someone to rescue me. I'm back on Earth now, though, and once I'm able to walk around without collapsing and keep a meal down, I'll be on my way to do some good old fashioned cross-country heroics!

Boy Howdy, Was I Busy!

Boy howdy, has it been a busy few weeks! I went to the local gym for some weight training in preparation for my upcoming trip, when two men came up to me. As it turns out, they were from SHIELD and wanted to give me training in hand-to-hand combat. I agreed, and after calling Maria to let her know where I'd be, went with them to a small facility about an hour or two out where they proceeded to work me over. While I was thinking I had been suckered into a trap, they told me they were just measuring my fighting prowess. I did all right, I guess, and for the next few weeks they taught me basic self-defense and whatnot, and put me on a steady athlete's diet of steak, potatoes, and light salads. They also injected me with some sort of serum, saying that it would give me Olympic-athlete level agility and endurance. Those boys don't mess around when you sign up with the Registration Act, no sir!

Late yesterday, they said I was good enough to get out there and fight the good fight. When I got back to Maria's apartment, she surprised me in several ways! The first surprise was a specially-modified recreational vehicle, with all sorts of amenities. Sort of like a land yacht, which is just perfect for me. The second was that she was going to come with me and be my sidekick/partner/first mate. To tell you the truth, I'm pleased as punch about this because in the month I've known her I've grown quite fond of Miss Lopez. I can tell she's grown quite fond of me as well, because of the third surprise she had for me. I won't tell you what it was because I'm a gentleman, but it was a whopper!

Today was another day, however, and what a day it was! The SHIELD fellows were back again, this time asking me if I wanted to go back to my home dimension. After giving it a small bit of thought, I decided to stop back there in order to get my affairs in order. After all, this universe I've found myself in seems much better than my old one. In any case, Maria and I hopped in the Land Yacht (I'll think up a better name for it later) and drove to the SHIELD place, where Reed Richards and his wife were waiting to see me off. He wished me luck and gave me a doohickey to use when I wanted to come back.

With a zap, I was back home! To my surprise, only a week or so had passed since I left. Apparently, some woman claiming to be Spider-Man's wife has popped up, to which I say pshaw! There's no way he would engage in such blatant womanizing as to marry two women. That's not the Spider-Man I know! Yes, I barely know him, but I know he's not that type of fellow. Also, he's been hit in the head with a brick which has put him out of commission for a while. I'm not sure what's up with that, to tell you the truth. A reporter asked me about all the stuff poor Spider-Man has been going through, and it tore me up that I couldn't just say what I knew (about his secret identity and whatnot) to help him out. Then I went to the bank, closed my account, and foiled a bank robbery using my new moves. Maria said I did a fine job.

After that, we headed back to my new home dimension, and I'm sure it gave the media quite a start when we turned down an alley and vanished. In any case, we're set to leave Los Angeles to head out on the road in about a week. If anyone out there is reading this and has any ideas where I could fight some crime on the road, please let me know!

Semi-Truck

I considered getting a semi-truck to ride around in instead of a car or van. Maria told me about two other heroes who drove semi-trucks, US Archer and Razorback. Apparently, this universe has an odd rule that if you are a superhero who drives a semi-truck for an extended period of time, you have to start driving it in space. I don't want that, so it's back to the drawing board.

The Past Few Weeks

They say that war is hell, and I can fully attest to that.

Several weeks ago, I told Maria what had happened to me, and she offered me the support I had needed to get through the rough seas of my life. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and when Monday came I was all set to hang up my supposedly worthless costume in favor of a normal life with her. Fate stepped in, in the form of a fellow named Wonder Man, and I was whisked away (with costume) to the office I registered at. A man in a blue jumpsuit named Reed Richards was there to greet me. We chatted for a bit about where I came from, and then an alarm went off.

"Captain America and his team are getting into the Negative Zone," said Richards as I looked on, dumbstruck, "We have to get there and stop them. Are you with us, er, Land Captain?"

I looked at him for a moment. A fellow named Captain America was an enemy of the government here? Had I stumbled onto some crazy communist dimension? I asked him which side Spider-Man was on. The Internet had been vague about that.

"Oh, he's a traitor," said Wonder Man, "We have to get there immediately, and since you're a registered hero, consider yourself drafted onto our side."

Fifteen minutes later I stood at the back of a crowd of costumed heroes facing off against another crowd of costumed heroes. There was a lot of shouting and quite a bit of fisticuffs, and I found myself face-to-face with Spider-Man. I was overjoyed, but confused: what was I supposed to do?

"Who are you supposed to be, the Yachtsman?" quipped Spider-Man.

"No, I'm the Land Captain. I met you in another reality," I said.

"Ah," said Spider-Man. Then he jumped over and punched me, and it hurt. It hurt like the dickens. I hardly had time to register the pain when we were all sucked up by a colossal black vortex and spat out into what looked like New York City. As I plummeted to the ground below, someone grabbed me and placed me safely on the ground. Before I could turn around to see who it was, they were gone. Then I noticed that the fighting had simply expanded, like an explosion, and there I was caught in a hurricane of costumed characters, and I was one of them.

I was one of them.

I immediately felt very small and very large. I was one of many, but surely this was something huge, and I was a part of it! The only problem was I had no idea who was with who, so I just sort of tried to find the more frightening people and assumed they were the enemy. I laid my eyes on a giant orange stone monster and jogged over, but my fists up, and coughed politely. The behemoth turned around.

"Whaddya want?" he said.

"Stand down, creature, or I shall be forced to take action!" I was proud of that.

The creature just laughed, "You got spunk, so I won't clobber you. Now leave me alone, I got to get some kids out of that boss Iron Man just knocked over. If you get in my way, expect my promise of no clobberin' done."

The creature, this thing, then chuckled and walked off. All these other heroes were punching each other and firing off laser blasts, but this brute was taking his time to help the civilians caught in this. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Spider-Man kick Reed Richards in the throat. I sighed and dashed off after the orange rock-monster and asked if I could help. He laughed and said I could get the kids he saved out of the battle. By the time I turned them over to some policemen and got back, the battle was over. I'm not sure who won or what they were fighting for, but I knew that it wasn't as important as what the orange monster was doing.

I found him and he explained that Iron Man's side had won, which meant a lot of Mister Grimm's (the orange monster's name was Ben Grimm, the Thing) friends were pleased with themselves but a lot more were about to get screwed over, pardon my language. I sat down on a piece of masonry.

"What can I do?" I asked Mister Grimm, "I'm just a man in a costume. I don't even have any powers. Compared to these people, compared to you and everyone else I have no right to the title hero."

"You're the Land Captian, right?" he asked, "Maybe you can just drive around the country, helpin' people out."

"Oh yes, I'll just ram my non-existent car into them," I said.

"None of that, you sound like Spider-Man. Tell you what, give me your address and I'll send you a nice big check to start yourself off with. Get yourself a nice ride and the world'll be your oyster."

"Gee, thanks Mister Grimm," I said.

He winked and said, "Call me Ben. Now you going to help clean up this mess or keep moping?"

I spent the next week helping clean up the area damaged by the battle. Several heroes had been injured in the battle, so I guess I was lucky. At the end of the week, they got some men from an agency called Shield (I think it's actually SHIELD) to take me back to Los Angeles, where I told Maria about my brief adventure. She was proud of me, and excited when I told her about what Mister Grimm was going to do.

Every day for the past week I've been going to the gym for self-defense classes and general working-out, and I feel better already. I can hardly wait for the Thing's check to come, then I can really start making a difference.

Two Things

It has been a trying period for me since my last post, but I intend to make everything clear for you later. Right now, be aware of several things:
1) Getting punched by a guy with super-powers really hurts
2) Having your costume and gimmick mocked hurts just as much

Again, I will clarify later.