They say that war is hell, and I can fully attest to that.
Several weeks ago, I told Maria what had happened to me, and she offered me the support I had needed to get through the rough seas of my life. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and when Monday came I was all set to hang up my supposedly worthless costume in favor of a normal life with her. Fate stepped in, in the form of a fellow named Wonder Man, and I was whisked away (with costume) to the office I registered at. A man in a blue jumpsuit named Reed Richards was there to greet me. We chatted for a bit about where I came from, and then an alarm went off.
"Captain America and his team are getting into the Negative Zone," said Richards as I looked on, dumbstruck, "We have to get there and stop them. Are you with us, er, Land Captain?"
I looked at him for a moment. A fellow named Captain America was an enemy of the government here? Had I stumbled onto some crazy communist dimension? I asked him which side Spider-Man was on. The Internet had been vague about that.
"Oh, he's a traitor," said Wonder Man, "We have to get there immediately, and since you're a registered hero, consider yourself drafted onto our side."
Fifteen minutes later I stood at the back of a crowd of costumed heroes facing off against another crowd of costumed heroes. There was a lot of shouting and quite a bit of fisticuffs, and I found myself face-to-face with Spider-Man. I was overjoyed, but confused: what was I supposed to do?
"Who are you supposed to be, the Yachtsman?" quipped Spider-Man.
"No, I'm the Land Captain. I met you in another reality," I said.
"Ah," said Spider-Man. Then he jumped over and punched me, and it hurt. It hurt like the dickens. I hardly had time to register the pain when we were all sucked up by a colossal black vortex and spat out into what looked like New York City. As I plummeted to the ground below, someone grabbed me and placed me safely on the ground. Before I could turn around to see who it was, they were gone. Then I noticed that the fighting had simply expanded, like an explosion, and there I was caught in a hurricane of costumed characters, and I was one of them.
I was one of them.
I immediately felt very small and very large. I was one of many, but surely this was something huge, and I was a part of it! The only problem was I had no idea who was with who, so I just sort of tried to find the more frightening people and assumed they were the enemy. I laid my eyes on a giant orange stone monster and jogged over, but my fists up, and coughed politely. The behemoth turned around.
"Whaddya want?" he said.
"Stand down, creature, or I shall be forced to take action!" I was proud of that.
The creature just laughed, "You got spunk, so I won't clobber you. Now leave me alone, I got to get some kids out of that boss Iron Man just knocked over. If you get in my way, expect my promise of no clobberin' done."
The creature, this thing, then chuckled and walked off. All these other heroes were punching each other and firing off laser blasts, but this brute was taking his time to help the civilians caught in this. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Spider-Man kick Reed Richards in the throat. I sighed and dashed off after the orange rock-monster and asked if I could help. He laughed and said I could get the kids he saved out of the battle. By the time I turned them over to some policemen and got back, the battle was over. I'm not sure who won or what they were fighting for, but I knew that it wasn't as important as what the orange monster was doing.
I found him and he explained that Iron Man's side had won, which meant a lot of Mister Grimm's (the orange monster's name was Ben Grimm, the Thing) friends were pleased with themselves but a lot more were about to get screwed over, pardon my language. I sat down on a piece of masonry.
"What can I do?" I asked Mister Grimm, "I'm just a man in a costume. I don't even have any powers. Compared to these people, compared to you and everyone else I have no right to the title hero."
"You're the Land Captian, right?" he asked, "Maybe you can just drive around the country, helpin' people out."
"Oh yes, I'll just ram my non-existent car into them," I said.
"None of that, you sound like Spider-Man. Tell you what, give me your address and I'll send you a nice big check to start yourself off with. Get yourself a nice ride and the world'll be your oyster."
"Gee, thanks Mister Grimm," I said.
He winked and said, "Call me Ben. Now you going to help clean up this mess or keep moping?"
I spent the next week helping clean up the area damaged by the battle. Several heroes had been injured in the battle, so I guess I was lucky. At the end of the week, they got some men from an agency called Shield (I think it's actually SHIELD) to take me back to Los Angeles, where I told Maria about my brief adventure. She was proud of me, and excited when I told her about what Mister Grimm was going to do.
Every day for the past week I've been going to the gym for self-defense classes and general working-out, and I feel better already. I can hardly wait for the Thing's check to come, then I can really start making a difference.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Two Things
It has been a trying period for me since my last post, but I intend to make everything clear for you later. Right now, be aware of several things:
1) Getting punched by a guy with super-powers really hurts
2) Having your costume and gimmick mocked hurts just as much
Again, I will clarify later.
1) Getting punched by a guy with super-powers really hurts
2) Having your costume and gimmick mocked hurts just as much
Again, I will clarify later.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Rejection
I went to the office to Register today, and it did not go well, and I can understand why. While I was able to get a reasonable simulacrum of my old costume, I was without my beloved Buick Electra, and everyone knows that a captain without a ship can only be a deranged old man. I will now detail how the visit went:
I walked into the office and said, "Hello, is this where I register for the act?"
The Government Agent was busy looking at some paperwork, and said, "Yes." After he pulled out some forms, he looked up and saw me for the first time. He had to stifle his laughter, and was only able to say, "Who are you? The Yachtsman?"
Despite his less-than-professional demeanor, I replied, "No, sir. I'm the Land Captain!"
At this point, he sat back down and filled in something on the form. He adjusted his glasses, and said, "Well, Land Captain. I have to be frank with you: you don't look like a costumed hero. Do you have any powers or gimmicks that aid you in your career?"
"I used to," I said, thinking about my car which now laid at the bottom of the sea, "It was lost when I came to this world."
"So you're an alien?"
"No, I used to live on Earth. Then I defeated some aliens and somehow ended up in this universe."
The man looked thoughtful for a second, then seemed to remember something, "I think I remember you from the reports. Did you..." more stifled laughter, "arrive here on February 3rd?"
I thought for a moment, and replied in the affirmative.
"Why didn't you go with our agents then to register?" he asked.
"I hadn't been here for a half-hour yet. It was all so confusing."
The man sat down, put my unfinished paperwork in a file, and folded his hands, "I'll be honest with you. From where I'm sitting, you look like another guy trying to take advantage of all the chaos going on right now to make a quick buck. Yesterday we had a man come in here in a suit of armor made of emptied cans of Mister Pibb claiming to be Sir Soda. If you like, however, we can take a sample of your DNA and send it to the main office to see if you really are from another universe. If that's the case, then we have no choice but to accept your claims, or maybe we can send you back. That'll take until Monday, though, so I'd advise finding a place to stay until then."
"All right," I said, "What do you want? Hair? Blood?"
"Some of each," said the man, "Though you'll have to go to the office down the hall to do so. Also, no costumed heroics until we have all this cleared up."
I nodded, and went to send in the DNA samples, then I wandered around the city and came back here and changed into some civilian clothes and came on here. I'm waiting for Maria to come home, to tell her the bad news. It'll be a long weekend.
I walked into the office and said, "Hello, is this where I register for the act?"
The Government Agent was busy looking at some paperwork, and said, "Yes." After he pulled out some forms, he looked up and saw me for the first time. He had to stifle his laughter, and was only able to say, "Who are you? The Yachtsman?"
Despite his less-than-professional demeanor, I replied, "No, sir. I'm the Land Captain!"
At this point, he sat back down and filled in something on the form. He adjusted his glasses, and said, "Well, Land Captain. I have to be frank with you: you don't look like a costumed hero. Do you have any powers or gimmicks that aid you in your career?"
"I used to," I said, thinking about my car which now laid at the bottom of the sea, "It was lost when I came to this world."
"So you're an alien?"
"No, I used to live on Earth. Then I defeated some aliens and somehow ended up in this universe."
The man looked thoughtful for a second, then seemed to remember something, "I think I remember you from the reports. Did you..." more stifled laughter, "arrive here on February 3rd?"
I thought for a moment, and replied in the affirmative.
"Why didn't you go with our agents then to register?" he asked.
"I hadn't been here for a half-hour yet. It was all so confusing."
The man sat down, put my unfinished paperwork in a file, and folded his hands, "I'll be honest with you. From where I'm sitting, you look like another guy trying to take advantage of all the chaos going on right now to make a quick buck. Yesterday we had a man come in here in a suit of armor made of emptied cans of Mister Pibb claiming to be Sir Soda. If you like, however, we can take a sample of your DNA and send it to the main office to see if you really are from another universe. If that's the case, then we have no choice but to accept your claims, or maybe we can send you back. That'll take until Monday, though, so I'd advise finding a place to stay until then."
"All right," I said, "What do you want? Hair? Blood?"
"Some of each," said the man, "Though you'll have to go to the office down the hall to do so. Also, no costumed heroics until we have all this cleared up."
I nodded, and went to send in the DNA samples, then I wandered around the city and came back here and changed into some civilian clothes and came on here. I'm waiting for Maria to come home, to tell her the bad news. It'll be a long weekend.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Decisions
I have made several decisions today. The first of which is to stop putting "Dear Journal" at the beginning of these entries. The second is to stop putting my image signature at the bottom of my entries. The other decision is that I am going to attempt to continue my super-career, and to do that I am going to have to register under the Superhero Registration Act. Maria has agreed to take me shopping when she returns from work at five, at which time I'll obtain a new costume. She doesn't exactly support my decision, but is being kind enough about it. Chances are, she still thinks I'm crazy, but she's still kinder than who I am starting to refer to mentally as "Evil Maria". Tomorrow morning, I'll go to the nearest Registration Station and hope for the best.
Perhaps they can help me figure out how to get back home? Funny, that's the first time I've thought of returning since I got here.
Perhaps they can help me figure out how to get back home? Funny, that's the first time I've thought of returning since I got here.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
The Plot Thickens
Dear Journal,
I have spent the past day trying to learn what I could of this world. There is apparently a sort of "Civil War" happening between registered and unregistered heroes, but it seems to be winding down. Maria Lopez, this Maria Lopez, was the daughter of a man who was killed in an accident between two super-people, but she bears no grudge against those who engage in heroics. She doesn't seem to believe me when I tell her that I'm one of them, however. This does not bode well for my future career, but I shall try to make her see the light. I'm still unable to fully trust her after what her counterpart from my universe did to me, but that means we both have things to work on. She has told me I could stay with her until I got back on my feet, which is quite kind of her.
The most disturbing thing I found out was that my Universe did exist, but only in a newspaper comic strip about Spider-Man. My sole appearance in it occurred about a week ago, but two people seemed to like me. I suppose this is a blessing and a curse, as my secret identity has not been revealed and if I so choose, no one will mourn the Land Captain's passing. I have much more to learn about this world, and much to think about.
PS: I found the online diary of the Incredible Hulk. I seem to remember hearing about him, and it seems he has more prominence in this universe than in my own. I've gleamed many tidbits of information from it, and only hope that there are other sources like this.
I have spent the past day trying to learn what I could of this world. There is apparently a sort of "Civil War" happening between registered and unregistered heroes, but it seems to be winding down. Maria Lopez, this Maria Lopez, was the daughter of a man who was killed in an accident between two super-people, but she bears no grudge against those who engage in heroics. She doesn't seem to believe me when I tell her that I'm one of them, however. This does not bode well for my future career, but I shall try to make her see the light. I'm still unable to fully trust her after what her counterpart from my universe did to me, but that means we both have things to work on. She has told me I could stay with her until I got back on my feet, which is quite kind of her.
The most disturbing thing I found out was that my Universe did exist, but only in a newspaper comic strip about Spider-Man. My sole appearance in it occurred about a week ago, but two people seemed to like me. I suppose this is a blessing and a curse, as my secret identity has not been revealed and if I so choose, no one will mourn the Land Captain's passing. I have much more to learn about this world, and much to think about.
PS: I found the online diary of the Incredible Hulk. I seem to remember hearing about him, and it seems he has more prominence in this universe than in my own. I've gleamed many tidbits of information from it, and only hope that there are other sources like this.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Mystery
Dear Journal,
I'm quite confused. Over the past several days, I've tried to find Spider-Man or Maria Lopez, only to find that no newscaster named Lopez has never existed and Spider-Man is on the East Coast. Not only that, but it turns out that he was the husband of Mary Jane Parker, the starlet. Except now it seems she has not recently been a starlet. In any case, trouble reared its ugly head as I drove through the streets of Los Angeles. I noticed a robbery taking place, and of course, set about trying to stop it when a man in armor came up to me and demanded my name and registration. I told him my driver's license was in my glove compartment, and he replied in a manner most rude. Apparently, wherever I am now has instituted a "superhero registration act". He tried to apprehend me, but I managed to get back to my Buick and drive off.
My poor, poor Buick. Within moments, other costumed types were upon me, demanding I pull over. I was quite startled, and did not notice that I was quickly coming up on the Marina. Both my Buick and I went over the edge, and then there was darkness. I woke up mere hours ago, and I was quite surprised to see Maria Lopez herself looking down upon me. At first I was dazed and sure I was dead, and somehow gone to Hell, but I think something sinister happened when I plowed through that alien spaceship all those days ago. Miss Lopez was kind enough to loan me the use of her computer, but now I am faced with a mystery of epic proportions: where am I, and how do I get back? More so, my uniform and vehicle were destroyed. Could this be the end of Land Captain?
I'm quite confused. Over the past several days, I've tried to find Spider-Man or Maria Lopez, only to find that no newscaster named Lopez has never existed and Spider-Man is on the East Coast. Not only that, but it turns out that he was the husband of Mary Jane Parker, the starlet. Except now it seems she has not recently been a starlet. In any case, trouble reared its ugly head as I drove through the streets of Los Angeles. I noticed a robbery taking place, and of course, set about trying to stop it when a man in armor came up to me and demanded my name and registration. I told him my driver's license was in my glove compartment, and he replied in a manner most rude. Apparently, wherever I am now has instituted a "superhero registration act". He tried to apprehend me, but I managed to get back to my Buick and drive off.
My poor, poor Buick. Within moments, other costumed types were upon me, demanding I pull over. I was quite startled, and did not notice that I was quickly coming up on the Marina. Both my Buick and I went over the edge, and then there was darkness. I woke up mere hours ago, and I was quite surprised to see Maria Lopez herself looking down upon me. At first I was dazed and sure I was dead, and somehow gone to Hell, but I think something sinister happened when I plowed through that alien spaceship all those days ago. Miss Lopez was kind enough to loan me the use of her computer, but now I am faced with a mystery of epic proportions: where am I, and how do I get back? More so, my uniform and vehicle were destroyed. Could this be the end of Land Captain?
Saturday, February 3, 2007
ALIEN INVASION!
Dear Journal,
I picked up the paper scraps and tried to follow that witch Maria Lopez. She got away, however, because I had to deal with an ALIEN INVASION. I was driving a good distance behind her news van, when I looked down a side-street to ensure no one was coming, and saw a flying saucer! Now, living in Los Angeles for so long has taught me a thing or two about the ol' "movie magic" and when a flying saucer is a real one, and when it's not. It all has to do with the fact that fake ones have a bunch of cameramen and whatnot surrounding them, as well as entire casts and crews of people. This one did not. It instead had sinister looking blue men coming out of it, with laser guns! So I turned down the side street, put my head out the window and yelled, "LAND CAPTAIN IS COMING AT YOU, VILLAINS, FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
The aliens looked at me and pointed their ray guns at me, but they jumped out of the way when they saw I wasn't stopping. I drove up their spaceship's ramp and, utiziling the momentum, flew through the air and left a big gaping hole in the opposite side of the ship. I swerved to a stop, turned one-hundred-eighty degrees, and leapt out of the car with my fists up. The aliens were getting back onto their feet, but then we were all thrown for a loop when their spaceship exploded, each piece disintegrating when it hit the ground. I got up and brushed myself off.
"Foolish Earthling!" said one of the aliens, "You have earned our ire this day!"
Then they all teleported away. I'm sure not everything is as it seems with them, however. Perhaps I should have found out if they were peaceful or not before I charged into battle? Oh well, if I meet them again, I'll be sure to ask. Now, I need to either get to the television station or find Spider-Man. I'm sure Maria Lopez is up to no good! Come to think of it, I wonder why Spidery wasn't here? I guess he was already too far away.
I picked up the paper scraps and tried to follow that witch Maria Lopez. She got away, however, because I had to deal with an ALIEN INVASION. I was driving a good distance behind her news van, when I looked down a side-street to ensure no one was coming, and saw a flying saucer! Now, living in Los Angeles for so long has taught me a thing or two about the ol' "movie magic" and when a flying saucer is a real one, and when it's not. It all has to do with the fact that fake ones have a bunch of cameramen and whatnot surrounding them, as well as entire casts and crews of people. This one did not. It instead had sinister looking blue men coming out of it, with laser guns! So I turned down the side street, put my head out the window and yelled, "LAND CAPTAIN IS COMING AT YOU, VILLAINS, FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
The aliens looked at me and pointed their ray guns at me, but they jumped out of the way when they saw I wasn't stopping. I drove up their spaceship's ramp and, utiziling the momentum, flew through the air and left a big gaping hole in the opposite side of the ship. I swerved to a stop, turned one-hundred-eighty degrees, and leapt out of the car with my fists up. The aliens were getting back onto their feet, but then we were all thrown for a loop when their spaceship exploded, each piece disintegrating when it hit the ground. I got up and brushed myself off.
"Foolish Earthling!" said one of the aliens, "You have earned our ire this day!"
Then they all teleported away. I'm sure not everything is as it seems with them, however. Perhaps I should have found out if they were peaceful or not before I charged into battle? Oh well, if I meet them again, I'll be sure to ask. Now, I need to either get to the television station or find Spider-Man. I'm sure Maria Lopez is up to no good! Come to think of it, I wonder why Spidery wasn't here? I guess he was already too far away.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Spider-Man Left
Dear Journal,
Spider-Man left. After that harlot Maria Lopez leaves, I'll go pick up the scraps of paper he threw on the ground. I may follow Maria Lopez, in case she's planning on doing to Spidey what she did to me. I don't feel like talking about it right now, but maybe later.
Spider-Man left. After that harlot Maria Lopez leaves, I'll go pick up the scraps of paper he threw on the ground. I may follow Maria Lopez, in case she's planning on doing to Spidey what she did to me. I don't feel like talking about it right now, but maybe later.
Eep
Dear Journal,
I am hiding behind my car right now because I am really freaking scared. Maria Lopez has convinced my buddy Spidey to appear on her talk show, I guess, and I hope he fares better with that tramp than I did. I am scared because at one point during their conversation Spidey picked up a newspaper and tore it right in half. Something must have angered him something fierce, but that's no call to tear up a newspaper and proceed to toss the remains on the ground. I plan on picking up the pieces of paper and putting them in the nearest trash can.
Right after Spider-Man leaves...
I am hiding behind my car right now because I am really freaking scared. Maria Lopez has convinced my buddy Spidey to appear on her talk show, I guess, and I hope he fares better with that tramp than I did. I am scared because at one point during their conversation Spidey picked up a newspaper and tore it right in half. Something must have angered him something fierce, but that's no call to tear up a newspaper and proceed to toss the remains on the ground. I plan on picking up the pieces of paper and putting them in the nearest trash can.
Right after Spider-Man leaves...
Indignity
Dear Journal,
When I was getting into my '88 Buick Electra, I overheard Maria Lopez ask my friend Spider-Man to appear on her program. What does he have that I do not have, that makes the media swoon? Is it the full-body costume? I tried that and was arrested because they suspected I was a terrorist. Is it the super-powers? You don't need powers to be a super-hero, you just need some gumption. My only guess is that Maria Lopez has some sort of sinister plan in store for my web-slinging friend. I shall follow him to make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. If he does, I'll be right there to bail my new pal out! I will jot down updates as time permits.
When I was getting into my '88 Buick Electra, I overheard Maria Lopez ask my friend Spider-Man to appear on her program. What does he have that I do not have, that makes the media swoon? Is it the full-body costume? I tried that and was arrested because they suspected I was a terrorist. Is it the super-powers? You don't need powers to be a super-hero, you just need some gumption. My only guess is that Maria Lopez has some sort of sinister plan in store for my web-slinging friend. I shall follow him to make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. If he does, I'll be right there to bail my new pal out! I will jot down updates as time permits.
Meeting Spider-Man
Dear Journal,
Today, while I was on patrol, I found some perps! In my excitement, I gave chase, when who should swing in but that Spider-Man fellow! He handily stopped their vehicle, causing its top part (whatever it's called) to fly off of its axle. In a way, I was relieved when this happened because my plan was to ram my car into theirs. Even though my '88 Buick Electra is a sturdy old thing, I doubt it could take another front-end collision, and I know my insurance would not pay for it.
Anyway, I got the "vibe" that "Spidey" wanted to be my friend, because he told me that his friends call him Spidey, so I guessed that meant he wanted me to call him Spidey and be his friend. In any case, before we could chat about the ins and outs of super-heroics, that tart Maria Lopez came and monopolized my colleague. I have to get going: perps to collar and all that!
Today, while I was on patrol, I found some perps! In my excitement, I gave chase, when who should swing in but that Spider-Man fellow! He handily stopped their vehicle, causing its top part (whatever it's called) to fly off of its axle. In a way, I was relieved when this happened because my plan was to ram my car into theirs. Even though my '88 Buick Electra is a sturdy old thing, I doubt it could take another front-end collision, and I know my insurance would not pay for it.
Anyway, I got the "vibe" that "Spidey" wanted to be my friend, because he told me that his friends call him Spidey, so I guessed that meant he wanted me to call him Spidey and be his friend. In any case, before we could chat about the ins and outs of super-heroics, that tart Maria Lopez came and monopolized my colleague. I have to get going: perps to collar and all that!
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Inaugural Post
Hello Journal!
I am going to keep this journal to chronicle my exploits. To start off, a few things about me. I am a super-hero by trade, thirty-two years of age, by the name of Land Captain. I patrol the streets of Los Angeles, CA looking for perps to collar in the good ship Buick Electra. I have a secret identity and an occupation as well, but those are secret. =)
Well, I have to go on patrol. I look forward to writing tomorrow!
I am going to keep this journal to chronicle my exploits. To start off, a few things about me. I am a super-hero by trade, thirty-two years of age, by the name of Land Captain. I patrol the streets of Los Angeles, CA looking for perps to collar in the good ship Buick Electra. I have a secret identity and an occupation as well, but those are secret. =)
Well, I have to go on patrol. I look forward to writing tomorrow!
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